Losing my religion

The morning hasn’t brought a shift in mood. If anything I feel worse. It’s reflecting in my personal life as well as my online life. It’s bad enough when online friends are asking me where I am these days as I had become part of the furniture – a question-answering, IT-literate piece of furniture perhaps. I just don’t feel like I’m really there. Short story? Despite professing the contrary, I can’t trust to love when it’s not my life that would be utterly ruined. I just don’t have the faith any more – I remember losing my faith in God, in magic, in the tooth fairy but I’d always kept my faith in myself and in other people and most importantly in love. This year, I think I have lost faith in everything.

I’m working on rebuilding my faith in myself – most notably by leaving the company that I spent the last 4 years building. I’ll still own it but it’s no longer challenging. I need to find something that really makes me think, makes me work, makes me get up in the morning. So I’ve applied for a corporate wage slave job and I’m going to rejoin the rat race for a while and see if I can find my love of my own way again. It’s odd that I need to find some external verification of my value by leaving my homegrown businesses which I have nurtured for 4 years and subjugating myself to a large international organisation and prostrating myself at the temple of Mammon where the chants of “win-win” and “action item” and “restructuring” fill the halls. I don’t expect anyone else to understand and I’m sure I’ll miss the flexibility. But I really need a change. My heart is broken and I need to throw myself at something that will take my mind off things.

I’m also not mad keen on the redesign but it comes just when I’m moving to new laptop too so some of it might just be unfamilarity. I wonder if this works better with Safari rather than Firefox? Hmmmmm.

The new laptop has a smaller screen than the old as I’ve moved from a 15″ MacBook Pro to a 13″ MacBook. Why? Portability really. I just move around too much and I don’t “need” the bigger screen and wasn’t using the kick-ass graphics card either.

The new job, should I get it, will be all Windows-based. Which sucks. But then when you run your own business you can choose to be a Mac person or not. For the first time ever I’ll not have the admin passwords. That’s going to be weird.

This isn’t my only blog, but it is my only personal blog. All the rest of them are company, or project based. This is the only place where I can be honest about my feelings without having to edit the content for an audience who only want to hear about the latest and greatest.

Ask me about anything. My answer will be “I don’t know.”