fuckups and letdowns

Crucible Design released The Project Sourcebook: Web Edition yesterday. I wanted to do something with it and it was better to be out there than just sitting on our hard disks. People can download the book from http://www.crucibledesign.com/
You can use it in any conspiracy-type game and there’s heaps of good stuff in there but it’s a shame that we couldn’t get it properly published. i’d have loved to but not one of the others was interested in doing that bit.

It doesn’t include the cover, internal maps or even the “Project War” statistics that I’d written. It just includes the text which, for free, is fair enough. Lesley thinks that it will create more work. I don’t mind work – I’ve done plenty before and I’ll do plenty again – I dislike people who break promises.

I feel let down by the rest of the group. I expected at least one of them to show a little bit of enthusiasm and maybe argue the point but everyone just went with the flow. Why rock the boat.

The interesting thing will be Q-CON and afterwards. Will Crucible have a trade stand? Will I turn up at all? Do we continue with CrucibleDesign.com or just let it lapse?

You could argue that it’s all my fault that it’s gone pear-shaped. I stopped doing work and things went downhill. I berated one guy for consistently breaking promises and now, despite knowing him since I was 11 years old, we’re still not talking. I’m probably impatient in my old age but I got sick of the lies and nonsense. At least some people were honest about their level of commitment and you can only respect them for it. Why lie about something like this?

Thinking about CrucibleDesign tires me out these days. Years and years of emotional investment and now, it’s worth nothing.

I haven’t gamed in months and I just want to have some escape – just something to think about other than work and computers. I’m sitting here now and know that when I go home I have to write a 2 hour course for the people I’m teaching tomorrow night. It’ll take 2-4 hours to write and then two hours to teach tomorrow night. When I’m not working on that I’m thinking about my training course in Mac OS X and also the effort I’m putting into setting up my own network-and-Mac-based training and consultancy company. On top of that I’ll be in work on Saturday doing some unpaid overtime.

I’m so tired of it all. I’m especially tired of not having good news and great cheer for my livejournal. It’s just depressing. After tomorrow night is done and dusted I’ll be in a better mood. You’ll see.

But it’s time to go home now. Time to cook the dinner and then get stuck into writing the materials for tomorrow.